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Where's
that fence?
05-July-01
it's been brought to my attention that I don't hold
exclusive rights to bike parking dispute based/fence
related art installations. This is fine by me. If
you have a fence issue you'd like to highlight in
a harmless and creative way, I'll help if I can. Remember
the Rules
and hey, be careful out there. Especially where your
constitution allows fence owners, among others, the
right to bear arms.
There's
a new section just in case it becomes popular.
Go on, have a look: Fences
of the world
Nausea
05-July-01
I have a couple of small items ready to go live on
the fence, both popular suggestions. However, your
bone-idle Fencemaster missed the deadline this morning
by having an hour-long 'lie in' and not getting up
until 6:30. Tomorrow (Friday) then.
This
whole early riser business was not my idea. Last
year I heard a French proverb that went thus: 'The
future belongs to he who rises early', or something
like that. It sounded reasonable whatever it was.
So to Mrs F's horror, I immediately adopted it as
a way of life. All I've gained so far is a fairly
consistent feeling of nausea that lasts throughout
the morning. I do find it's best to keep an open
mind about these things though.
Recyclable
bicycle 04-July-01
Since my bike disappeared just nine days ago I have
spent £90 on public transport. However, that's
all behind me now, as thanks to the kind people at
Wheelie Serious
I have a new bike. They were kind enough to take pity
on me and lop a whopping £350 off the price.
Bicycles are expensive these days you know. I stumped
up £300 to complete the deal. Luckily they accepted
cash.
It's
blue where my old bike was red and there are other
differences too. The frame is aluminum,
which is 30 per cent lighter and 40 per cent stronger
than steel. It's also (unlike steel)
100 per cent recyclable. I could melt it down then,
er, melt it again and make an identical Specialized
Rockhopper. I think.
Tricycle
03-July-01
Various people berated me for locking a perfectly
good tricycle to the fence yesterday on the grounds
that I was depriving a small child (they were often
specific as to which child) of an economical and environmentally
friendly method of transport.
I have removed it today and rehomed it with one of
those aforementioned children, giving the fence a
day off. The day off is partly due to my over-excitement
at collecting a new bike. This is something that never
diminishes from the age of eight and on; a new bike
is a new bike. It's exciting. However, as I can't
lock it to the fence it'll probably be nicked right
away.
Best
behaviour 03-July-01
Both Mrs F and I were out again last night, celebrating
different things in different places, but we did manage
to meet up. I can't remember what happened then. I
checked with Mrs F this morning and was pleased to
discover that I was on my best behavior, only mentioning
the fence when prompted.
News is coming in of other people attaching things
to fences around the UK. I can't see many fences gaining
attachments in the US, due to the proliferation of
powerful and dangerous firearms, particularly among
fence owners. It's probably not a route I would have
gone down there.
I couldn't possibly condone this nationwide attaching
of things to fences. It might set me up for an, er,
incitement to attach things to fences charge, and
we wouldn't want that. Oh no.
Handbag 02-July-01
I have been out with Mrs F this weekend, as Granny
Fencemaster/the Fencegran has been on a visit and
kindly offered to babysit. Like she had a choice.
I took Mrs F for a riverside stroll (there are pubs,
don't worry) and even tried hard not to mention the
fence. However, some fence-related matters were pressing
on my mind and I am a great believer that a trouble
shared is a trouble doubled, so wanted a feminine
viewpoint.
I
can't remember precisely what my particular worry
was because Mrs F is currently employing a strict
'first strike' policy for such occasions. A martial
art concentrating on the handbag as an offensive
weapon might one day be as universally popular as
it is with Mrs Fencemaster. In our case, of course,
it's a marital art, and as such forms part
of the healthy sparring that's necessary to maintain
a marriage approaching the end of its tenth year.
Your Fencemaster does not, of course, have a handbag
of his own and thus feels the odds are unfairly
balanced with Mrs F, but that's OK...
Never
mind about your personal life mate, what's
on the fence?
Hang on, I was reading about FRUIT
Put
your suggestions on the fence week 29-June-01
Next week I will endeavour to do justice to everyone's
smart suggestions. A piece of fence is popular,
I have a tricycle all lined up, a tin of Quality
Street would be easy, and I'll look into signs and
their associated costs this weeked. Is that OK?
I hope so. I doubt I'll launch an installation every
day, as the element of surprise seems effective
as far as the landlord is concerned. Mrs Fencemaster
has recently resorted to throwing things at me as
a preferred method of communication, so I will have
to be careful on that score too.
I'll
try to attribute what's installed to everyone who
suggested it. If I miss you out bug me via the magic
of e-mail and I will sort it out. The Internet isn't
carved in stone you know. Oh no.
Deny all knowledge 29-June-01
Your Fencemaster envisaged spending at least part
of today denying any knowledge of the green door,
in a similar manner that Howard De Walden Estates
and McGlashan Properties are denying putting the
sign up. However, I don't want to go down that same
route.
Here's what I think will happen: One of the McGlashans
will have a SMEG fridge at home without a door,
and thus be delighted. Or they will collar me and
attempt to get me to dispose of it on a 'we've got
better things to do/can't afford to waste time and
money... and so on' basis. I have wasted time and
money every day for five days coming to work on
the train and tube since my bike was stolen BECAUSE
I WAS STOPPED FROM LOCKING IT TO THIS STUPID FENCE,
I will retort.
Last
turkey in the shop 26-June-01
Nothing on the fence, except for the padlock that
locked Friday's kettle on, it's looking a bit sad.
I still have no bike and don't think I will have
until the end of the week. However, an item has
appeared at home that is both stylish and will cause
maximum annoyance. Your Fencemaster promises to
deliver by the end of the week. Maybe Thursday,
maybe Friday.
The blanket ban on discussing the fence at home
was lifted last week, for the launch. However, Mrs
F seems to have restored it again, as whenever I
say anything to her she cuts me off before I can
get a word out: 'SHUT UP'. She then gives me a minute
or two to worry, and comes back with: 'This isn't
about the fence is it?' Hmm.
Getting the train does have the advantage that I
can sit and write this in the 35 minutes it takes
the train to go about 11 miles. I use a Palm - not
one of those hand-held computers though, I write
in tiny letters on my left Palm.
Where's
my bike? 25-June-01
It's gone. It was nicked on Friday.
The Crime desk at Marylebone police station called
back on Saturday to take down details, such as the
frame number of my bike (p9ki03510) and other information.
I now have a crime reference number too. The officer
was extremely helpful and didn't display the complete
lack of interest or concern I was expecting. Quite
the opposite. I am grateful for becoming such a
minor crime statistic. It could have been worse.
I
was almost equally distressed when opening the London
Evening Standard on Friday expecting to find a positive
feature about cycling in London (and the fence),
but instead finding a double-page spread entitled
Two-wheel menace about what a nusiance cyclists
are. No mention of the fence.
Back
to the drawing board this week. I need to get a
new bike first though, I don't think you can be
a proper Fencemaster without a bike. Nothing with
a 21" frame (your Fencemaster is 6'3) was available
locally, so it was Soutwest Trains today.
Thank
you so much McGlashan Properties 22-June-01
I just went to get a sandwich (2pm) and check on
my bike, locked to railings (with no sign on), in
Bulstrode Street, W1. It's been stolen. I am waiting
for a crime number from Marylebone police station.
Very
cross, and sad, Fencemaster here.
This
is why I wanted to lock it to the railings in the
mews.
E-mail
from the Estate 21-June-01
I had a polite e-mail from Howard De Walden Estates
last night. I am just checking with them that it's
OK to reproduce the entire message here. In the
meantime:
They
informed me that they DID NOT put up the sign and
they ARE NOT removing the items. They pointed the
finger at the owner of the 999 year lease on the
building that the fence is attached to.
That
landlord obviously believes he/she (local gossip
says it's a she) has some kind of divine right to
control other people solely due to the amount of
property owned. I had a feeling this was the case.
That
landlord, surprise surprise, is the only person
not taking this personal protest of mine in the
spirit intended.
All
I wanted to do was get to work on time and lock
my bike somewhere safe.
I
heard back from them and it's OK.
The
full message is here.
It
was Mufti day, but where's Lucky? 20-June-01
One of the reasons I missed yesterday's action (Sadly
a bare fence again) was that I took the young
Fencesters (they like that) to school. It was 'Mufti
day', which means they could wear their own clothes
instead of school uniform. Very exciting. They were
also encouraged to take things in for the tombola
at the upcoming school fair. The young Fencesters
were genuinely delighted at the thought of Lucky
enjoying a
day on the fence and thus liberated him from
the indignity of the tombola.
There's a £20 million advertising campaign
running in the UK at the moment (Ogilivy & Mather)
featuring pretend lost dog posters: 'Has anyone
seen Lucky?' There's a web address to respond too:
www.whereslucky.com. The bottom line is that it's
an advertisement for a new range of financial products.
Hmm.
My 'Has anyone seen Lucky?' campaign will, of course,
lead people here. I am just printing out the posters,
I meant to print 10, but my fingers got confused
and I accidentally printed out 100. Oh the joys
of arriving at work 2 hours before everyone else.
See lucky on
the fence now
Landlord
ups the ante 19-June-01
Your Fencemaster was elsewhere this morning, so
not on scene for the arrival of what has been described
as 'a burly man well-equiped for removing things
from fences. Obviously a professional.'
I
am especially sad, as I didn't get to even see the
iron a mysterious benefactor had attached today.
The bloke was heavily armed, sporting an angle
grinder. No attempts to negotiate then.
The
ironing board is gone, but not forgotten. So is
the iron. Fencemaster deep in thought. Must distribute
postcards. Possible
reappearance of original kettle planned. Such a
lovely day, so tinged with sadness. oh yes, I did
spot another spare ironing board this morning...
Ironing
board attacked 19-June-01
I don't know what this world has come to. A Fencemaster
can't leave his ironing board anywhere without fear
of it being vandalised - someone has ripped off
its lovely cover (underneath which I'd pasted several
smart 'What should I put on the fence?' postcards,
they've gone too). The cable lock has disappeared,
but the strong D-lock remains, and my ironing board
is still locked to the fence where I left it 'just
for safekeeping'.
If only there were alternative ironing board parking
facilities...
Mrs
Fencemaster goes shopping 17-June-01
Yesterday, Mrs F. called me from 'the shops' and
asked if I wanted anything. 'Some balloons and a
small canister of helium', I demanded, wishing to
enhance Monday's fence launch (I always enjoy passing
a car dealers when they have gone to the trouble
to attach balloons to each car. It makes me want
to buy, buy, buy). Mrs Fencemaster seemed confident
about her ability to fulfil. However, there must
have been a communications breakdown, as she turned
up an hour later with 10 fully inflated balloons.
This should make me easy to spot cycling up High
Street Kensington tomorrow morning.
I'm
so, so sorry 17-June-01
My main, boring kinda technical philosophy for this
site was that it wouldn't ask anything of its guests
in terms of specific hard or software requirements.
Not even a computer (well, you could just visit
the fence). So what do I do? I use a voting script
that makes each page it's on invisible to Netscape
users. Your Fencemaster is a pathetic fool and has
removed the voting booth, for now. I apologise to
everyones 'Mom', in tearful a Blair Witch sort-of
manner for this lapse.
Mrs
Fencemaster watches ER 15-June-2001
This always fills your Fencemaster with fear. The
young Fencemasters are used to making sure they
are firmly tucked up and out of danger.
I burst in hoping to show her print outs of all
your messages: 'Look', I said, 'at all
these smart suggestions and messages of support
from all over the world'.
'I AM WATCHING ER' Mrs Fencemaster retorted.
Firmly. Not wishing to be intubated
(watching ER does not mean you are fully trained,
I keep telling her). I went quietly about the business
of trying to make this site more efficient.
*Your suggestions should
go live straight away.
*A mailing list and
irregular (short) newsletter would be fun too, maybe.
*It should be obvious
on the front page which bits have been updated.
*I should reply to
all your e-mails
Leave it with me.
The
fence is bare, but not for long 13-June-01
Nothing on the fence for two weeks! One brave courier
locked his bike to it for about five minutes, which
was somewhat foolhardy, otherwise nothing.
Thanks
to the good people at BikeMagic,
guests have begun to arrive at this site and leave
messages of support. One or two people have pointed
out that there are two sides to every story and
the bottom line is that it's not my fence. I agree.
If the notice hadn't appeared on the day of the
tube strike, if the fence was infront of anything
other than an ugly wall...
*Latest
news on the bare fence - See the ironing
board now!*
Disappointing
pan disappears 21-May-01
It's been quiet on the fence this week and will be
even quieter next week, prior to official launch.
The pan from Asda (that was always disappointing)
has made a surprising disappearance over the weekend.
Good riddance to it I say.
Saved me the job of taking it off.
Builders
laugh at pan 10-May-2001
I saw two builders pointing and laughing hysterically
at the yellow pan. They were laughing far more than
was appropriate really, but perhaps they had just
shared a private joke. I don't
know.
Man
talks into phone 08-May-2001
There was a heated moment today when a spy reported
seeing an angry business man-type talking angrily
into his phone while looking down at the lion. It
was gone later that day. I can only arrive at the
conclusion that these two incidents are linked.
Wife
worries about fence obsession 08-May-2001
It's the principle of the thing I told her, but
she doesn't understand. I am not allowed to discuss
what I want to put on the fence any more. She thinks
it's an unhealthy obsession and is no longer prepared
to have anything to do with it.
I
was a bit sad about this, as I see discussing and
looking for things to put on the fence an ideal
activity for the family.
*News update - I started
calling the wife Mrs Fencemaster a few weeks after
this.*
I also call her 'the little woman'.
This entertains us both tremendously as she's a
rather tall lady.
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