The human race
As you might or might not know, your Fencemaster cycles a round-trip of approximately 26 miles each day. I thus think I AM big and I AM clever. Then I came across Malcolm Jeffrey (or he came across me) and decided I am neither. I shall let him tell his own story:

'I've done lots of Marathons but never ever visited The Fence so making a visit to Bentinck Mews was an essential part of my trip.

I'm a programmer for npower (www.npower.com) and work in a long-serving team with lots of traditions, one of which is the mandatory bringing back of sweeties or biscuits when you've been on holiday.

These are placed at the feet of a big plastic Orange Jelly Baby, which was itself once full of jelly babies brought back off someone's holiday. When I found I was in the London Marathon this year I immediately resolved to visit The Fence, and e-mailed all my chums at work for suggestions as to what to chain there : a very popular suggestion was the CMET Team Big Orange Jelly Baby itself.

So off the two of us go to London and after meeting up with Graham (an ex-colleague) and Mahesh (fellow student when I was doing my degree at Leicester Polytechnic in 1980) for traditional pre-race beer, we make the trip, locate The Fence and Do the Deed.

A helpful passing American lady took the group snap. The O'Connor Don was shut though so we had to have a drink in the next one on the way back to Bond Street. These occasions have to be commemorated...

All in all, a very successful weekend. After The Fence, me finishing the Marathon in 4:16.27, beating Frank Bruno, Floella Benjamin and Charlie Dimmock (by one minute) on the way seemed almost an anticlimax!'

See? See how exciting and entertaining the fence can still be? Even if a trip to it is interrupted by a marathon. (did every catch that use of the phrase 'pre-race beer'?) Look out on April 13 2003, the date of the next London marathon, your Fencemaster might even, errr... watch that one on television. Maybe.

On the fence: 14-April-2002 Off the fence: Not long after
Removed by: The Marathon McGlashans
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status: It's gone, it's head undoubtedly bitten off by the bearded man. However, The CMET Team BOJB will live forever in our hearts, and no mistake.

The bloody tower
If you have visited the Tower of London, you will remember the Beefeaters. A Beefeater is a kinda warder, dressed in a red tunic and wearing a silly hat. Each Beefeater is an Honorary Yeoman of the Guards, a member of the Queen's bodyguard. They are friendly chaps and love to tell you what they do. Go on, say 'hi' to one next time you are there, don't be scared.

Every night in the Tower of London, the Chief Warder locks the Tower gates and brings the keys to headquarters. The sentry shouts out, and is answered by his mate:

'Halt! Who comes there?'
'The Keys'
'Whose keys?'
'Queen Elizabeth's keys'

Everyone presents arms, and the warder calls out: 'God preserve Queen Elizabeth.' The guard responds, 'Amen.' They do this every night, the yeoman repeating the same words, which have not changed in over 700 years.

THESE keys, which appeared on the fence on Tuesday, are *possibly* not the Tower of London keys (the Trusthouse Forte keyring gives that away), however they are an intriguing bunch all the same. They are also pretty much the first thing on the fence I have managed to photograph this year. Tsh, USELESS Fencemaster. Well done whoever locked them (for safekeeping I am sure) on the fence.

On the fence: 26-February-2002 Off the fence: Still there!
Removed by:
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status: Still live Fence-side

Another fence on the fence
Well it looks like this is as close as we are going to get to that most popular of suggestions (have you checked out the Star suggestions?)

This gate actually appeared on the fence a while ago, and your Fencemaster has quite rightly been on the receiving end of vigorous remonstrations for not uploading images sent to me quickly enough. Hmmm. I do my best you know, but it is, of course, never good enough. OH no. (Awwww. Isn't he pathetic?)

I know this isn't actually a fence, it's more like a gate, but it does have those essential fence-like qualities. I could, if I wanted, lock my bike to it in the confidence that I was not contravening the strictly-laid down rules displayed on the sign. The sign, incidentally (both of them) is still nowhere to be seen. It 'disappeared' a few months ago and has not been replaced. Neither have the vanalised spikes, which were painted white by someone naughty, been painted over. So right now there's just that a solo padlock Fence-left, and those painted spikes to indicate the special nature of this otherwise nondescript fence.

Several items have made it on to the fence and escaped without a picture being taken OR your Fencemaster seeing them. I think that's fine too, just as long as the fence continues to stand proudly for the little man (your Fencemaster), and fights against faceless beaurocracy and trivial annoyances the world over.

On the fence: November-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by: Mc 'we could use this gate for firewood' Glashans
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : In McGlashan's fireplace.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Oh good lord it's nearly all over bar the shouting. Not that there will be any shouting in our house. Except from the children (the Fencemonsters) who are pointlessly over excited. I don't know why though, they aren't getting any presents. Well, okay, maybe a few. Some lovely supporters seem to have enjoyed the fence and decorated it with some seasonal cheer earlier this month. I have been my usual bone idle self and left putting the pictures online until the last minute, but hey, Fencemasters work far far better under pressure.

The history of Christmas dates back over 4000 years. Many of our Christmas traditions were celebrated centuries before Brian, OOOPS! Jesus was born. The 12 days of Christmas, the bright fires, the Yule log, the giving of gifts, parades with floats, carol singers going from house to house, the feasts, and the church processions can all be traced back to the early Mesopotamians.

Maybe it was late Mesopotamians who attached this loveliness to the fence. The padlock that locked the star on looks like it's gonna be the only incumbent remnants of 2001 Fencestallation to see in the new year. Well done, and thanks, whoever you were, mysterious dark strangers.

On the fence: 30-November-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by: Scrooge
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : In McGlashan's rubbish bin.

You've come a long way, baby
Ooo look how lazy your Fencemaster is. This appeared on the fence (fenceside) at the end of September and I am only just round to installing it here now.

This is, in fact, one of the most exciting things to make it's way to the disappointing little fence in London, W1. It came over on one of the first international flights out of the US after the unpleasantness. It didn't come by itself either, it brought a WHOLE FAMILY with it, who forced me, FORCED me I tell you, to drink pint after pint, eat chip after chip, in the O'Connor Don. It was a lot of fun, and puts you lot in London to shame, unless you have put things on the fence of course. However, lots of you haven't and you have had plenty of time (six months now), many opportunities, and haven't even been forced to fight a pervading feeling of 'doom' to complete your fencestallation. Well done... (I'll just check it's okay to use their names). and shame on the rest of us.

On the fence: 30-September-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by: It went back to Georgia
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Back on the car

It's all history this week
There's evidence that the shoe was the first garment made and worn by our ancestors. No, silly, not THESE shoes, these are courtesy of our Cumbria Crew again (below). Shoes in general are rather old, they get a mention in some of the earliest Chinese and Greek writings, and crop up in the Bible on several occasions (His shoe! The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example. What? Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot). All in all shoes have been around for donkey's years ('donkey's years' is a distortion of donkey's ears, which are long).

Mrs Fencemaster is as obsessed as the next man with shoes (I mean woman obviously), and has piles of them all over the house, you can't move for bloody shoes. She's quite organised and writes on the boxes: 'Lovely strappy sandals, gorgeous and very very high' (not on all the boxes, just the ones containing lovely strappy sandals etc). This shows an acceptable level of commitment to a shoe-orientated lifestyle, and she's only occasionally used them as weapons. I try to be supportive.

On the fence: 27-October-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by:Almost certainly a passing vagrant who fancied them as new shoes, or thought they were a hat, or his new friend
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : I don't want to think about it

3000 years of going to the lavvy lovey
In the Bahrein Island in the Persian Gulf, the first flush type toilet was discovered. When does it date from? 1000 years BC. What about London's famous toilet inventor Thomas Crapper though? Well he served as the royal sanitary engineer for many members of our dodgy old royal family, and held a few patents for various cistern designs (the ball and suction device - British Patent # 4,990), he certainly didn't invent the toilet. In World War I doughboys passing through England saw the words T. Crapper of Chelsea printed on cisterns and began to say 'crapper' instead of toilet. I LIKE that explanation, however the word crap, meaning excrement, is from the old French crappe, which stood for the grain that was trodden underfoot in a barn, a word originally from the Latin 'crappa'. Hmm. My money's on the doughboys.

Hasn't the toilet got a fascinating history? Hmm... I can feel an extensive work of historical nonfiction coming on dramatising the development of the toilet in a 'Longitude/History of Cod' kinda way, only with more jokes, love interest (played by Nicole Kidman in the film) and all the potential merchandising opportunities. I'm open to offers.

THIS toilet is what concerns us today though. What's it doing on the fence? Making a statement that's what. Thanks to the legendary 'Jackson', who although only 12 visited the fence a few times over the weekend, and at 2 o'clock in the morning. Now don't be concerned, it was half-term and he was with his mum driving through town and just happened to be passing the fence. I do that all the time. See? It's a family fence, an ideal stopping-off point on a journey through town, it's a 24 hour all weather fence too, and isn't 'the fence by night' romantic? I think so.

On the fence: 27-October-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by:Mc 'Look dear, at last we can sit comfortably' Glashans, or a passing drunk who fancied it as a new hat
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Awaiting offers from literary agents

Another toast for the fence
We're still in the hands of our hero from Scunthorpe (seeCity of tiny bikes, and Back to the Kitchen, below). This toast rack, for that is what it is, goes back to last month (August), but it was on the fence with the best of intentions, only to be roughly removed by the hardworking staff of McGlashans, who I won't hear a word said against. I believe there's still evidence on the fence that the toast rack was there in the way of a bit of twisted toast rack. A sum total of four padlocks still grace the fence and on this day (Monday 24 September) a bicycle pedal remains attached.
There's other news too.

Note the paint damage to the fence spikes in this picture. Now this is clearly against the rules and not to be encouraged.

On the fence: 15-August-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by:Mc 'Look dear, at last we can rack our toast of a morning' Glashans
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Gone to the great breakfast table in the sky, or in McGlashan's office.

City of tiny bikes
Again, all the way from Scunthorpe (see Back to the Kitchen, below). A tale best told in the words of our fellow brave Fencester:

'The little bikes were cute as a boot, and I don't think they reeeeaally contravened rule #007 because they are surely first and foremost toys rather than modes of transportation. Besides, they-who-are-removing-things haven't shown much discrimination about what does/doesn't constitute a bike in terms of removal eligibility...

They (the bikes) came in a multi-pack, and by a coincidence (or is it?) they are red and blue and could therefore be seen to represent the Fencemaster bike that was nicked and the current one. I wanted to take them home and play with them, but my brother said I wasn't allowed. Incidentally, the pack said they were little 'stunt bikes'. I would have been interested to see what, if any, kind of stunts they pulled when attempts were made to remove them.'

On the fence: 15-August-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by:Mc 'let's park our five cars in the mews, but not have one bicycle' Glashans
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Gone forever.

Back to the kitchen
A mystery supporter travelled down from Scunthorpe to contribute this, as she says, 'long overdue and popular suggestion'. And in her own words:

'We cannot take credit for this idea (although I wish we could as it was one of the suggestions that made me laugh OUT LOUD. for quite a long time.) in the interests of justice I spent a long, long, weary time today trawling through the suggestions trying to find the originator of the idea. after about 1500 I started losing the will to live and began randomly selecting pages. I admit this did affect the thoroughness of the research. We found tantalising references to it from 'Brizo' and, allegedly, 'Cary Grant', but it SEEMS the first source was a Mr Gareth Brisbane <gbrisban@nortelnetworks.com> on 27/6/01.

I was sure I remembered it being someone called andrew or matt or something though, so it's more than possible I've got it wrong or someone else suggested it too. (if a dispute arises they could fight it out amongst themselves for the rights.)

It's a corker anyway, and no mistake.'

On the fence: 15-August-2001 Off the fence: Not long after.
Removed by: Mc 'it's gone beyond a joke' Glashans
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : In the hands of McGlashans, or the kitchen of McGlashans.