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Car? WHAT car?
Arrived here via the magic of eBay? If so, you'll know what car. Otherwise, here's the eBay auction in full, preserved for posterity.

What happened after the auction finished? The first buyer backed out - no surprises there - I had a few strange questions from him via email: 'What's the BHP of the car?' That was the first worrying one. For a start you can find the answer in any car comic, but whatever 'BHP' the car is (300) it doesn't matter a fig, as it doesn't go. I won't bother telling you about the rest, except maybe: 'what colour is it?'

Either way, the guy used the broken windscreen as an excuse to back out, despite my promise that it would be fixed at my expense.

What's that? What do you mean 'what broken windscreen?' Ah, yes, errr...

Hammer Horror
When the cheeky young madam I'm involved with found out about the eBay auction, she was *slightly cross* that I hadn't involved her more. She likes to be involved. But no, she didn't go shattering the St Albans peace again. She confessed. That's Catholics for you, they can't get enough of it.

There was, she confessed, slightly more car related breakage than she had initially told me about. This was of course all MY fault, both the breakage in the first place, AND my lack of eBay accuracy. Had I TOLD her about the auction straight up, she'd have let me know about the windscreen there and then. And maybe even mentioned the scratch along the nearside into the bargain. The scratch runs the full length of the nearside. Twice. She used a key.

Black Horseplay
The next buyer was still keen. IS still keen in fact, I have emailed across the pictures of the above damage not known about at the time, and forwarded pictures of those rear lights too. He's rightly still up for buying a car that's potentially worth £7 to £9,000 for circa £2k. Obviously a sensible bloke. There remains another fly in the ointment though.

When I bought the car I handed over a massive amount of cash, which I had handy thanks to what can only be described as 'accidentally driving my previous car into a lamppost in the middle of a completely empty supermarket car park in the middle of France, in broad daylight.' There are pictures. The Audi A8 being, well, an Audi A8, I had to finance the rest, this wasn't as much as I had paid in cash, so I have falsely been laboring under the impression that I owned the car, or at least MOST of it. Not according to Black Horse. Apparently THEY own the car, which is genuinely surprising, as I recall NO MENTION of an 'HP' type agreement at point of sale.

I have spoken to several people at Black Horse over the past few days about this (0870 242 7878), and as is so often the way with these things, received a different answer each time. I thought it was all sorted last Friday, the pleasant lady I was speaking to promising to call me back first thing today (Monday, August 16th), but there was no call, and no possibility when I called them of actually being connected to Ms Tate, who works in 'a different office'.

Girlfriend
That's you bought bang up to date: There's a keen buyer waiting, my girlfriend has come clean about all the damage (all that passionate energy she has doesn't ALLWAYS get released so aggressively you know), but Black Horse can't quite manage to get back to me to give me the go ahead to sell the car. They are far more keen on the car rotting where it stands, until an undetermined time in the future when I can give them about £6,000. Then I'll be allowed to sell it.

That's not what Ms Tate said on Friday. That's probably why she hasn't been allowed to call me back. Arsebiscuits. What am I going to do?